Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay (lyndzer) wrote,
Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay
lyndzer

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words get in the way

Im bored with life. Just straight up bored. I know thats selfish. I know theres been millions who've loved life and what it offered yet they were taken too soon. Dont get me wrong...I dont want to get taken for a long, long time...I just want something...and I dont know what that something is. I guess thats most peoples problem when most aspects of their life are good...just that emptiness that has never been filled...I used to think that maybe at one point it was filled and Ive lost track of what had filled it...but Im convinced now its just always been an empty piece of myself. I look at everyone in my life...and not a single person is completely satisfied...completely whole...and some are okay with that...they view the lack of completion as a part of life...and tell themselves that no one finds it. I disagree...I just have yet to meet a person who can tell me that Im right. Maybe its up to me to tell myself and learn to believe it. I dont know if I worry too much about happiness or if the worry can lead to it. I really thought that all these open ended questions were supposed to end after high school...as if the angsty years are 14-18. I just get worse and worse. Ive learned to conceal many of these negative pieces of myself but I have more of them than ever. I wish I could just be thrown to some foreign island with no knowledge of the language or customs or anything...I think it would be an easier way to learn what people, and what life are really like. Words get in the way. They complicate everything...they twist everything, they have more weight than the letters in them and I wish I could re-learn everything by watching hands and faces express sentences the best they could. I mean, even the best of us are so fucked up. Thats a given, and that will never change...but why are we? Maybe I just have a mental kind of cabin fever...like Im just stuck in my own mind way too much and I need to release myself someplace. Where? I have no idea. For the very first time in my life I know I need interaction, I need people, yet I want to get away from everyone and everything familiar to just get a sense of myself again. Im shaped by other peoples attitudes, their words, their glances, and I need to learn a form that makes me happiest when no one else is near. I want to know why even on the best days acoustic songs depress me for the next 2 days no matter how beautiful they are. I want to understand the hostility in my mind...I want to know why it fades so quickly only to leave me wanting to please the world around me. I want to know why I would be content with a person looking me in the eye and telling me their answers to all my questions and why I would accept them as facts. I crave to be controlled and completely alone all at once and neither are healthy, this I do know. Now I just want to know when my idea of "life" starts.
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