My life has been so up and down lately. I feel like a 45 year old trapped in a 21 year olds body. Im still not working, I tell my mom Im going to work then I go to BIllys and sleep for 4 hours, then I become a scavenger for the next week and do anything in my power to come up with 5 dollars here, or 2 dollars there in order to pay her the money I owe her.
I am sick of coming on here and just complaining or talking about how hurt or hollow I always feel. Lets just make it simple, I think Im single for the first time in a lil over 6 months which in the whole span of life isnt a long time, but when 180 days were devoted to someone other than yourself it feels like forever.
I gotta be strong and have some ME time. Ive read so many books that past few weeks. Ive written SO many poems they are seriously just rushing out of me. It really is true what they say- times of pain bring the real life out of you. I have some things written that Im really proud of. For some reason they all sound dark and sexual and dirty and I dont know why but I like it. I want to send some into the Atlantic Monthly and see what happens.
I also realized I really want to be a 40s pinup girl. Im a few decades too late but wow those girls were awesome.
I dont really know what to say although I hate the thought of stopping.
I really dont know what to do with my life anymore. Honestly Im completely, 100% lost. My mom is sick of my crybaby bullshit, i dont have billy to fall back on, the whole dad situation is hopeless, Im jobless with no desire to get another one, and i havent talked to many of my friends in months. I feel really detached from everything and everyone I once knew. Its not a good feeling but its not a bad feeling. I kind of feel like I have a heightended sense of what is going on all around me. I guess Im just kind of waiting for a miracle or a break or something. Like I try to pray and ask God "pleeeeease show me any kind of sign that you are real..." then I look around the room for some golden light so I can convince myself that its an angel. Its pathetic really. I guess I just wanna believe in something so I dont feel so alone.
To be completely honest, I often feel like Im in a world surrounded by retards. I dont care that that word is offensive because its true. I also find it strange that I try so hard to like the human race but the only times I really do are when I am scared. For example- on sunny days when im driving to school I just want to fly down the highway and tell everyone to pull over till I pass them, but then on snowy days I stay as close as I can to every car and think- well if I crash they will help me; were all in this together. I wish I could find a way to remind myself that we are in fact 'all in this together' even during happy times or sunny days.
OK ive drained enough thoughts for one night.