Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay (lyndzer) wrote,
Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay
lyndzer

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denial?

Saturday night. Im home- alone. Eating nachos in my mother's bathrobe. Can somebody please tell me when my life went from borderline ridiculous to certifiably (dont know how to spell that word) pathetic?

Im in such a weird mood. WEIRD does not even describe my mood. Sometimes I seriously wish I could look into my own brain and see if theres some semi-retarded drama queen getting drunk up there because I cant even make sense of myself sometimes.

Mom has been in Florida with Bruce since Tuesday. They got engaged. They were down on the beach collecting seashells and Bruce had prepared a shell beforehand. On the back of it he wrote, "Julie will you Marry Me?", naturally, she said yes. I'm very happy for her. For him. Just in general. She's never been married. Its nice/scary to think that after 48 years she's finally gotten her ring. That sounded cynical. I really am happy for them.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (spelling is probably incorrect) is coming out in a new movie: CAPOTE. I've been on it's official website all day. It looks like its going to be amazing. The cinematography looks beautiful and the premise sounds very very good. I look at movies sometimes and wonder where they can find such perfect places to catch a sunset, or the fog hitting the trees hitting the lake and bouncing to the sky. It seems like they just jump into paintings. I dont think there is a single place around here that could make me go "wow" if I saw it on film. The closest thing I can think of is the shores of Lake Ontario, but if you look to the left there's cheap diners, and to the right theres a nuclear power plant so congrats mankind on messing up one of the few spectacular places we have to offer.

My script for class is going to be stupid. I know it. Im writing it because I have to; not because I had all these amazing ideas spinning around in my head. I can only write well when something really intrigues me, and lately virtually nothing does.

Jeff finally completed the first, or is it second, draft of the script we were working on. I got bored with it and he kind of took control. He emailed it to me like 2 weeks ago, I read it. And every day since then he has called or imed me to ask for advice on it. Not once have I returned these calls or ims. I dont know why. I have no reason to be rude to him. Its like I feel powerful for once and Im just enjoying tormenting him. I really dont understand why I do this. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she just said, "Lyndsey, thats mean". So I knew she didnt quite get how I was feeling. Or else I just didnt like the truth. Either way Im still stuck on this semi-pathetic power trip.

As weird as that seems to me, I still find myself finding happiness in strange places. Im still fascinated by the fact that we all have our own world/thoughts/ideas that make us feel like the center of the universe. And when I step out of that mind frame I notice the smallest things that make me feel good about life- mainly just people watching. I like watching the families the most...mostly little children with their parents. I like how the parents stare at their child like they are the most spectacular thing in the world. And I like how the children stare up at the parents, because at that age, they are their world. Its just a cool cycle that I think could make many people happy (if they really watched) assuming it doesnt go unnoticed.
BUT...
Then again, sometimes in my head I will have horrible, mean thoughts about people who I dont know. I hear myself judging them...then I yell at myself and remind myself that Im no better...and then this feeling just overwhelms me and it makes me want to give them a compliment or find a way to make them happy. Im sure this overwhelming feeling can be classified as "guilt" but it seems much more than that. I wont even try to make sense of it.

I havent been going to my classes. I find myself getting distracted and hungup on petty things. I tell myself that these things are excuses to fuck myself as I did freshman year but I dont care. Ive lost all motivation in everything. I drive to campus and just sit in my car staring at the lake until class would have ended. I can predict my letter saying "youve failed out again, bitch" - I dont care. I can predict my mother having a nervous breakdown about me and my avoidable failures; still I cant change it. I hate it here. Im lonely and bored with life but in some sick way I like it. Like it makes me feel important or special; like noone else knows how I feel...thus making me something greater than they will ever be. I can write "fucked up logic, huh?" but I wouldnt mean it. I think it makes perfect sense.

Im really starting to wonder where my life is going. Im letting things and past ambitions and people slip away faster every day and I dont care and Im not too sure as to why. Im sure a lot of it has to do with Billy. Now heres one person who couldnt be a bigger blessing/destructor rolled into one if they tried. When were good; were good. But still there are issues. His jealousy has transferred to me and now I find myself doing and saying and even thinking things that never would have entered my mind in previous relationships. Im now the girl that calls to make sure hes being good, the girl who plays head games, the girl who will stay in and write a stupid livejournal at 11pm instead of admitting whats wrong with her. Sometimes I want to be with him for a long time, and other times I wish there was a giant DELETE button that could erase my knowledge of his existence. I remember the day I met him I wrote a journal entry in my real-journal about how I had a feeling that he was going to change my life forever. I can look back and kind of laugh at how dramatic I am; but at the same time I look back and realize how right I was. I feel like he has taught me how to really care about a person that doesnt share my blood but he has also taught me that I have to sacrifice a lot of who I am in order to care. I know someone will say "if it was real- you wouldnt have to sacrifice any of who you are." 4 months ago I would have agreed, but now Im not so sure.

Im just not sure of many things anymore.

My grandma is still dying of cancer; that Im sure of. She sounds so weak when I talk to her.
So does my dad. Our relationship, I think, has finally reached a point where all my past guilt is gone because I dont even feel like I have a father anymore. Its just a man who I know, who gives my mother money every Friday because Im here. But just a man nonetheless. He'll call and I dont answer. I never answer my home-phone. But he'll just talk into the machine: ..."Hello Lyndz.......You there? ....It's about 5 o'clock.... Just called to say hi, love you." CLICK. And then the message ends and so do my thoughts. He came to drop off the child support money on Friday. Usually I just let him ring the bell; pretend Im sleeping or showering. But this week I answered. He looks different than I remember. Shorter, stockier, younger...if that makes any sense. I did my best to look him in the eye, and I actually did. I felt nothing. No thoughts like "this is my father". Just stuff like "Did he get shorter?". He commented, as always, as how he feels like he doesnt have a daughter anymore. I say nothing, then he laughs, and I smile. ANd he adds- "well I know youre busy". Clearly we have a case of denial, and we both know it, and I guess thats ok...
Sometimes denial is better than knowing, and admitting it. Because when we admit nothing to ourselves theres nothing to get hungup on. Its kind of like having a party but nobody you know comes. Just you and some strangers. You can either embrace it or let it get you down and I do what I shouldnt. I admit to myself whats happening, and whereas most people would do things to change it, I just let myself sink deeper into this place where Im miserable and lazy and just daydream in order to pass the time. Such a contradiciton.
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