My room is so hot. Honestly if I take the whole Heaven/Hell thing literally: my room would definitely be hell now. Its probably 105 degrees and theres nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, a huge spider came barreling across the wall all over my posters and pictures just going so fast and tainting all my cool stuff. I was eating a fruit punch popsicle when this happened. I didnt know what to do. He was so big and scary I didnt want to go near him. So I got my flashlight and kept it fixed on him so I wouldnt lose track of him. I dont really know what I was trying to accomplish with the flashlight. He wasnt intimidated. I finished my popsicle and decided I want another one. So I told myself I couldnt get another one unless I killed the spider so he couldnt sneak away while I was gone. So I was going to use my stolen STAR magazine, but alas I hadnt "read" it yet, and by read I mean look at the pictures and insult the celebriities to boost my self esteem. To make a short story long- I killed him and screamed like a little girl to which my mom screamed "Stop!". She has been passed out for awhile but it amazes me how despite the fact that she is pretty much deaf when I want her to hear me she somehow gains eardrums and hears my pathetic moments in life.
She broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. This has happened like 8 other times but I think this time its for good. So all day today she sat around drinking girl drinks and eating candy with me. I know thats probably not the best way to get over a breakup but hey I benefitted cuz she was so calm and we just sat on my front porch talking about funny things and crazy memories from life basically. Im selfish.
Ok get ready to judge me.
Last night I decided to go downtown with Ms. Alicia because I really do love her and think we are soul-mate friends. So we get ready yadda yadda and head to Chucks because they love us there and we get in free and usually get hooked up with drinks. I dont know why. Theres probably a believable rumor that we are whores going around and that could help our case. Needless to say we drank WAY too much. It was pretty dead. After asking 3 gay men to play us in pool for drinks and being rejected we were like ok lets get desperate. We re-approached the rude gay men and basically made them play pool with us. "loser buys drinks". Our plan was to do good and win and get free drinks. And by "do good" I mean distract the other team with whatever body parts they may like while the other one pushes our balls into the pockets. Yeah, we didnt take into account that they were gay and dont care we are wearing pushup bras unless its to discuss the brand name. So we start playing, I attempt to push a ball into a pocket and the 3rd guy (who wasnt playing)pulls his friends to the side to tell them that he saw me attempt to cheat. Whoa its just a game of pool buddy but whatever. Needless to say karma came through and I hit the 8 ball in; we lost, so when they asked us about buying drinks we picked up our purses and ran away, literally. It was pretty smooth.
So at this point were running low on cash and decided we needed to get more drinks. The solution? A guy was walking back from the bathroom as we were sitting at the bar so I get the brilliant idea to stick out my thumb towards him like I was hitch-hiking. My only intent was for him to smile, but he came over, and Alicia said "Carmen is just being silly...she just wanted you to buy us a drink." What does he do? Smiles and buys us a drink. I was in shock. So we chilled with him for a bit cuz he was a nice guy.
After he left we were still thirsty. I told a dark haired, dark skinned, glasses wearing guy he looked like Jude Law. He clearly didnt. He got very excited and was like wow let me buy you girls a drink. At this point I realize that:
A.) My pimp hand is strong.
B.) These guys thought we were whores
c.) These guys were drunk and friendly and okay a tad gullible
Possibly all 3. I dont know. So his friend comes over and Im drunk and thought it would be funny to hell him he looked like Gene Wilder. OF all people, I dont know why Willy Wonka came to mind. Needless to say he wasnt amused and I told him I was joking. Unfortunately one of Alicias friends came over and we asked her who this guy looked like (cuz we give everyone celebrity names) and who does she say? DREW CARREY. I was like you dumb dumb butthead. She didnt get it was supposed to be flattering. So at this point the guy is extremely offended but we upgraded him from Drew Carrey to Brad Pitt and he was happy.
This story is long, Im sorry.
So after Chucks Me, Anna Nicole, Jude Law, Brad Pitt, and Sienne Miller (alicias friend) climb into a taxi so I can go to Mullys and see Jay. I asked Jay if he could let me and Alicia in and he said that was okay but imagine his surprise when I bring half of Hollywood with me. Oh before the taxi ride we made a stop to the taxi dispatchers so we could see the woman who hated us and so I could pee in between the soda machines again. It was all pretty classy.
Ok so mullys. We get there. I sit with Jay cuz I hadnt seen him in like a week or two. Hes not my boyfriend by the way even though we act like we are together. So the Dave guy I was talking about last entry (the one who never calls) wanted to meet me downtown. He knew I was going to Mullys so he goes there. I did want to hang out with him. So I find him and tell Jay Im going pee. And stupid me and Dave go to a different bar. At this point in the night its all a blurr. The next thing I know we are in CornerBar doing shots, the next thing I know we are walking down the street and I fall off a curb, I remember an elevator ride, and then I find myself on his couch watching Goodfellas...I look up- no lie: hes standing there naked holding a vibrator and tells me to use it on myself in front of him. Im in such shock. So my phone rings and its Jay and I didnt know what to say- "oh hi jay Im actually at this guys apartment, hes naked and trying to get me to play with a vibrator?"--no I didnt say that. So I tell Dave not to say a word and I tell Jay Im lost downtown. Jay starts freaking out asking where I am saying he'll come get me. I told him Id call him back. He calls me like 298 more times and he tells me he's gonna leave work and walk to come get me. So I get the hell outta Daves apartment. Of course Dave wont let me walk back by myself even though Jay is on his way to meet me. So I tell Dave he cant walk with me cuz I dont want Jay to think something happened and get jealous. So get this- Dave walks behind me and we pretened we dont know eachother. So jay leaves work and Im trying to explain to him where I am...I was like 9 blocks away from the bar area. No clue how I got there. So Jay sees me from far away standing on a corner crying. Haha what a loser. He sees Dave sitting on a trashcan next to me and I tell jay it was just a nice guy that made sure I was ok till he got there. So me and jay turn to leave and dave is staring at me like "what now?" SO I say "goodbye sir thankyou for standing with me." hahahaha wow. I felt so guilty.
So the rest of the night I stuck by Jay cuz I realized hes the one I wanted to be around. And it was just nice. This morning we went out for breakfast and watched movies all day and Im just happy. I dont even know what I was thinking by leaving the bar. I really need to cool out on the drinking when I go out. This really made me sound like a stereotypical white trash bar slut. But im not. I think me and Jay are pretty much together now. Its so weird how life works. I knew I cared about him but apparently it took a naked guy holding a vibrator in front of my face to make me realize I wanted jay the gentleman for real. So were doing good now and no more innebriation for me.
That was long.
But wow that night was nuts.
I look back and Im just like I could have gotten raped at so many different points
and I also think
thank god Dave didnt pull out a humbug cuz I would have been tempted.
inside joke for those on the inside.
Im done being narsicistic. No clue how to spell that. So many C's and S's in one word.