Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay (lyndzer) wrote,
Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay
lyndzer

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If my mind was a huge paragraph it would look like this...

Blah whats wrong with me? I dont know. I feel like I have to ask myself this a lot lately. I find myself happy and loving everything and everyone one minute...and the next minute something simple triggers something in me and I find myself crying with no real reason until different thoughts flow into my brain and Im sad and confused and lonely and I have no idea why. I dont know. I probably do know. It’s a mixture of things. Work is stressing me out; mom is constantly nagging and nitpicking at me. I want to talk bad about her but then my love for her just takes over and makes me feel guilty for even wanting to have rude thoughts. I don’t know. I just feel like everything in my life is like my own head game. I should just take things and people for what they are but theres like this part of me that wants to understand every part of every person and every situation and I just think about things too much. I never thought it was possible to think too much but lately Im starting to question my previous thoughts when all of my thinking makes me completely sad. Like today I got really sad, and just started crying and wanna know what thoughts came into my head?...its really weird. All of the sudden my mind was like a huge collage of things from my life- I saw (remember this is odd) VanGough's painting "Starry NIght" then I started thinking of how I wish I lived back then and was a painter but then I worried that I wouldnt be pretty because I wouldnt have any of my modern day tricks and that turned into how I get insecure around really pretty girls and that somehow transformed into thinking about the DaVinci Code and God and Martin Scorsese and finally why the hell any of us are here. What the hell is wrong with my mind? Out of all the things to think of I get filled with Martin Scorsese and Vincent VanGought images. Im just weird. Life is just weird. Were all going to be dead in like 50 or 60 years. It sounds like a long time and I think that each and every one of us we know were going to die and we don’t believe it- like everyone we know will miraculously stay as they are forever. It just depresses me to think that were all going to die and then everything we are dies with us. Sure some of us are going to have kids and grandchildren to remember us, but after them...where are we? All these pictures and journals and sentimental things we have will mean nothing to anyone. Who knows where theyll end up, or who will remember us. It bothers me to think that one day Ill be gone and nobody will remember me or even know my name. Its strange, I know. But its what Im thinking at the moment. I should quit writing right now but I cant. Im listening to these songs by this young singer BEA I found on myspace. I think Im falling in love with her music over and over. The words and the sound and her voice are just like whoa..finally someone who understands what its like to be a 20-something girl and have no idea whats going on. Im lonely too. Listen to me Im like a broken record. I don’t care though. I listen to a lot of peoples problems or random thoughts so I think I deserve some too. This is such a hard age. I remember every birthday my mom would say "15 was my favorite age" when I turned 15, or when I turned 18 I'd get- "18 was my favorite age- youre going to love it." as if it was literally a stage with new obstacles or something. I knew she meant well, and I dont think she knew that I caught on that every birthday I had was "her favorite age to be", but then when I got really sad it was always- "this is the hardest age...but things will get better." Ive heard that one since I was about 10 years old. I guess if you can really break ages down into categories of good...bad...worst...best- I think early 20's is the worst. Hopefully Ill have a lot more living to do, even if that means finding that 26 or 37 or 42 is the worst time. But right now, yeah...its rough. Im lazy and unmotivated and I still have those childhood fantasies that one day something miraculous will happen to me and Ill never have to climb the ladder to get to the top. Im sick of school. Im sick of working. Im sick of dealing with immature guys who just want to play around or keep me to the side, thinking that they can get everything they want to out of their system, then when their ready to be serious Ill be there waiting for them. Im obviously referring to a specific person, and if you know me well enough its not hard to figure out who Im talking about. I cant get him out of my mind lately and I dont know why. Literally 2 or 3 weeks ago I was sure I was completely over everything about him...it took awhile, but I felt like my head and heart were clear of him. And then one day I wake up and cant get him out of my mind. My mom loves him and always brings him up despite my requests for her not too. I feel like if I just block him out Ill forget him, but it doesnt work. When we do talk Im so happy. And we can be stupid and goofy and we dont take eachothers shit and its nice. I like a guy who wont take my shit, and I know he likes that I wont take his. I do think he cares about me just as much as I care about him. And I do think that he thinks well be together when hes done getting with every attractive girl he can get with. And I tell myself this, and it used to reassure me...but now Im questioning if waiting for a guy who likes to conquer any challenge that comes his way is worth the wait. I dont know. Im just confused about literally every aspect of my life- school, family, him, work...I just wish some parts would become more stable. Cuz Im sad and bored with life and I really need to make myself happy...for longer than 10 minutes.
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