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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ms. Lyndsey if u nastay's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 9th, 2007
1:13 pm
words get in the way
Im bored with life. Just straight up bored. I know thats selfish. I know theres been millions who've loved life and what it offered yet they were taken too soon. Dont get me wrong...I dont want to get taken for a long, long time...I just want something...and I dont know what that something is. I guess thats most peoples problem when most aspects of their life are good...just that emptiness that has never been filled...I used to think that maybe at one point it was filled and Ive lost track of what had filled it...but Im convinced now its just always been an empty piece of myself. I look at everyone in my life...and not a single person is completely satisfied...completely whole...and some are okay with that...they view the lack of completion as a part of life...and tell themselves that no one finds it. I disagree...I just have yet to meet a person who can tell me that Im right. Maybe its up to me to tell myself and learn to believe it. I dont know if I worry too much about happiness or if the worry can lead to it. I really thought that all these open ended questions were supposed to end after high school...as if the angsty years are 14-18. I just get worse and worse. Ive learned to conceal many of these negative pieces of myself but I have more of them than ever. I wish I could just be thrown to some foreign island with no knowledge of the language or customs or anything...I think it would be an easier way to learn what people, and what life are really like. Words get in the way. They complicate everything...they twist everything, they have more weight than the letters in them and I wish I could re-learn everything by watching hands and faces express sentences the best they could. I mean, even the best of us are so fucked up. Thats a given, and that will never change...but why are we? Maybe I just have a mental kind of cabin fever...like Im just stuck in my own mind way too much and I need to release myself someplace. Where? I have no idea. For the very first time in my life I know I need interaction, I need people, yet I want to get away from everyone and everything familiar to just get a sense of myself again. Im shaped by other peoples attitudes, their words, their glances, and I need to learn a form that makes me happiest when no one else is near. I want to know why even on the best days acoustic songs depress me for the next 2 days no matter how beautiful they are. I want to understand the hostility in my mind...I want to know why it fades so quickly only to leave me wanting to please the world around me. I want to know why I would be content with a person looking me in the eye and telling me their answers to all my questions and why I would accept them as facts. I crave to be controlled and completely alone all at once and neither are healthy, this I do know. Now I just want to know when my idea of "life" starts.

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
10:28 pm
Were all in this together
I completely forgot this site ever existed until about 5 seconds ago.
My life has been so up and down lately. I feel like a 45 year old trapped in a 21 year olds body. Im still not working, I tell my mom Im going to work then I go to BIllys and sleep for 4 hours, then I become a scavenger for the next week and do anything in my power to come up with 5 dollars here, or 2 dollars there in order to pay her the money I owe her.
I am sick of coming on here and just complaining or talking about how hurt or hollow I always feel. Lets just make it simple, I think Im single for the first time in a lil over 6 months which in the whole span of life isnt a long time, but when 180 days were devoted to someone other than yourself it feels like forever.

I gotta be strong and have some ME time. Ive read so many books that past few weeks. Ive written SO many poems they are seriously just rushing out of me. It really is true what they say- times of pain bring the real life out of you. I have some things written that Im really proud of. For some reason they all sound dark and sexual and dirty and I dont know why but I like it. I want to send some into the Atlantic Monthly and see what happens.
I also realized I really want to be a 40s pinup girl. Im a few decades too late but wow those girls were awesome.

I dont really know what to say although I hate the thought of stopping.
I really dont know what to do with my life anymore. Honestly Im completely, 100% lost. My mom is sick of my crybaby bullshit, i dont have billy to fall back on, the whole dad situation is hopeless, Im jobless with no desire to get another one, and i havent talked to many of my friends in months. I feel really detached from everything and everyone I once knew. Its not a good feeling but its not a bad feeling. I kind of feel like I have a heightended sense of what is going on all around me. I guess Im just kind of waiting for a miracle or a break or something. Like I try to pray and ask God "pleeeeease show me any kind of sign that you are real..." then I look around the room for some golden light so I can convince myself that its an angel. Its pathetic really. I guess I just wanna believe in something so I dont feel so alone.
To be completely honest, I often feel like Im in a world surrounded by retards. I dont care that that word is offensive because its true. I also find it strange that I try so hard to like the human race but the only times I really do are when I am scared. For example- on sunny days when im driving to school I just want to fly down the highway and tell everyone to pull over till I pass them, but then on snowy days I stay as close as I can to every car and think- well if I crash they will help me; were all in this together. I wish I could find a way to remind myself that we are in fact 'all in this together' even during happy times or sunny days.

OK ive drained enough thoughts for one night.

Current Mood: lonely
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
9:30 pm
Everything in my life
Where have I been all your life? Busy...with school and drama and my tonsils which get swollen and spotty every 2 weeks. GOnna need them out which will probably jeoporadize (spelling?) the trip to South Beach to meet Dane Cook. But we shall see. Im bored. I can never fall asleep, when I do I snore cuz Im so sick and i wake myself up and whine to myself like a baby. I still love my puppy. Hes awesome and cute and I hope my future children look like him. In your mind please picture a baby with the face of a pug, so funny; something out of greek mythology, etc. Billy and I are happy. I fell down the stairs in front of him and I wasnt even embarrassed; such a good sign. A week later I fell on my face again and its just nice to laugh at how ungraceful I am instead of blush like I would have in front of other guys Ive dated. I only failed one class this semester...that may be my new record as far as Oswego goes. I didnt attened class since September so I was expecting the fail. My other grades= living writing=B+, Women in Literature=B, Intermediate Screenwriting= A-, Chemistry= E...for those of you unfamiliar with grading an E is the equivalent of a Z or a J; no credit. I am still sickeningly addicted to Lost... so much so that I actually took out a pad (not maxi) and a pen and wrote down all the clues and connections I could find...join hands and say it together: "Lyndsey you are a loser", my mom found out I took a loan to buy the dog and has been on a rampage ever since. Billy and I each owe her 800 dollars. She took all of my xmas money to cover my share. Billy is back in the world of illegal betting to make his share. If i said we lived in a trailer I think most people would believe us (white trash, get it? No?) I have read 5 books in the past week. Im on a spree. I started writing my own novel. I dont want to be arrogant but its good. There i said it. Writing seems to be my only talent aside from burping and the occasional cartwheel, I also make a mean taco/burrito. I eat TUllys chicken quesadillas at least twice a week. I havent talked to many of my friends in awhile. Its sad. I havent meant to be distant but Ive had so much going on as of late. Alicia signed me up for Facebook like a year ago. I just decided to actually do it. I knew I would get addicted so I never started one, and I never should have succombed this time. I log in like every 10 minutes, I laugh way harder than I should when I say I know a person because they are my child or we hooked up. Its like Ive lost brain cells. SLowly but surely Ive watched every ounce of sanity slip away in 2005. Its 2006 and I will just embrace my weirdness. It shows through no matter what I do. Coming up is an end-of-the-year review stolen from Katie. If you read my answers all the way to the end I praise you/judge you for having nothing better to do. Take care. THe end.

1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?: Lose weight, stop taking the lords name in vain.
2. Who kissed you at midnight?: Billy and Otis
3. Does it snow where you live?: Duh
4. Do you like hot chocolate?: DRINK IT EVERYDAY!(#*)!
5. Have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop? No the idea of chemical and biological warfare scares the shit out of me. Terrorists are good at that.

1. Who was your valentine in 2005?: Um noone. I think i watched a movie with someone but it wasnt "like that"
2. What did your valentine get you?: _________
3. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?: Yes and I LOVED it. I still have some of my Captain Planet Valentines (what girl actually hands those out...me :(
4. Who have you done a project on for Black History Month?: MLK Im sure
5. Do you care if the ground hog sees its shadow or not?: WHy ask that?

1. Are you Irish?: NO.
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?: If Im drunk.
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005?: No idea. I dont like that holiday.
4. Are you happy when Winter is pretty much over? YES. I love looking at the lil crocuses that come up.

1. Do you like the rain?: Only at night when Im not going anywhere.
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?: I tried to but I suck.
3. Do you get tons of candy on easter?: Yes and its fantastic. Coconut Custard Smidgens please.
4. Do you celebrate 4-20?: ONly because its Carmen Electras birthday. is that ghetto?

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?: tulip or rose or lilly or bell-flowers.
2. Do you like the spring?: Love it.
3. Finish the phrase: April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?: THe West Nile virus, allergies.
4. What is the first spring color that comes to mind?: all of the pastel colors. Mainly green and yellow.

1. What year did you graduate from school?: 2002
2. Did you go on any vacations last June?: Canada I believe. Had pms the whole time so I was miserable.
3. Did you realize nothing special happens in June?: I get to wear slutty shirts so Id say something special definitely happens.

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?: WHy dont I remember this?
2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?: I dont think so. 2005 was boring.
3. Did you Blast the A/C all day?: I dont have it, write my mom and thank her for that.

1. Did you do anything special to end your summer? I dont remember this either?
2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05?: Um just gettin to know BIlly.
3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer? Yup.
4. Do you go to the beach a lot?: Not at all. Sad huh?

1. Did you attend school/college in '05?: YEs. I got into my writing more which was a much needed blessing.
2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?: my screenwriting teacher. Very dry and you can never tell what hes thinking but hes witty and wrote "Buffalo SOldiers" which ended up being a movie with ed harris and joaquin phoenix so thats cool.
3. Do you like fall better than summer?: Up until my bday, but after halloween I hate it.

1. What was your favorite Halloween costume ever?: THe french maid just cuz it was simple and cliche and just as fun as it looks.
2. what's your favorite candy?: Mallow Cups
3. what did you dress up like this year?: A gangster with anna nicole.

1. Whose house do you usually go to for Thanksgiving?: Gramma.
2. Do you love stuffing? YES its FANTASTIC
3. What are you thankful for?: Otis, billy, good friends, etc.

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?: Of course.
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?: No.
3. What did you get this year for Christmas? Hardly anything but money I gave to my mom. But all these fun things from billy- trip to south beach/dane cook tickets, autographed counting crows pass, a shirt, SCRABBLE!, Donnie Darko, Season 1 on Lost, diamond bracelet, etc. He went crazy with presents.
4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas? Probably my camera cuz I use it so much.
5. Do you like cold weather?: "i like the prettiness but not the cold or brushing my car off." -ditto

THe end.

Current Mood: pensive
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
12:39 pm
Okay random entry.........there were these awesome Old Maid cards I had when I was a little girl...and I'm going crazy trying to figure out what brand/card they were cuz I want to buy them again...dont ask why, cuz I dont know. I looked on EBay and found nothing. Do any of you know another way to research a kind of card even if you dont know what brand they are or the year they were issued? This is random, I know. But if any of you can suggest anything itd be awesome.

P.s- Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, New Years, and maybe Birthday too.

The End.
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:19 am
OTIS is the MOSTEST. Whoa please enjoy my gay attempt at rhyming

So...as you probably know from reading the gossip columns or watching ET on MTV, Billy and I finally got our puppy.  We went to the pet store just to really look at the kinds of dogs we wanted...and then we were going to search the classified ads for a reasonably priced puppy that we both agreed on. So before going to the pet store I told him how everyone says "never buy a pet store puppy" so we swore we wouldnt. So we get there, and I immediately demand to hold the cutest Yorkie I've ever seen. Billy agreed that it was the cutest dog he's ever seen...so we ask how much it is.....................$1,900.   Yeah, I couldnt make that up. But I Fell so in love with this lil guy. So the workers suggest that we do a credit check and see if my credit will cover the fee.......we lied on my credit report and still I could only get like 1,600...and with all the taxes we'd have to pay 600$ in person. I knew that in the newspaper we could get Yorkies for like 500-1000 dollars but idiotic me wanted this one. I knew it wasnt going to happen so I just played with it for literally 2 hours until the workers made Billy pry it out of my hands. Then i started crying in the middle of the pet store. Like there were 8 year olds there begging their parents for a dog, and then I see I cant get my yorkie and I literally sob in the middle of the store. Im a moron.  Then Billy sees this adorable pug for like 1600 dollars........yes, I know.....Pugs in the newspaper go for like 300-900, but naturally we fell in love with this guy, and we bought him in the most stupid, spontaneous act of future self-inflicted debt two people could ever manage.  To make a long story even longer...we took him home that day and I am absolutely in love with him. OMG i cant verablize much as it is...but especially about him. We first named him Gotti then DeNiro then switched it to Pacino but I got sick of them all and changed it to Otis....he is definitely an Otis . Billy ahd to work till 10 today so I kept Otis here all day. I thought my mom was going to kill me but she absolutely fell in love  with him...Im very pleased with our completely overpriced dog.

Lastly, Thursday is my 4month anniversary with Billy. This is my longest relationship ever...go me. Its weird, because he and I have had the most drama, yet weve lasted the longest. But in all fairness we have been perfect for like a month...I mean no fights, no drama, just fun little activities and what not.....and our awesome puppy. Im a very happy girl.


Here's our little baby:



Current Mood: content
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
6:52 pm
Hate List
I just realized that I don't really like when people actually write the word FUCKING or FUCKIN when they are trying to tell a story (creative writing not included). I used to do it, and I reread some things, and well basically it's stupid. Unless youre actually trying to jot down your entire train of thought word-for-word, "stream of consciousness" if you will, then why take the enegry to actually type it out? I literally just realized that I think it's very WT.

Today I got a fucking fever and I seriously thought I was going to die.


Today I got a fever and I seriously thought I was going to die.

So seriously....
Why add the fuck?

I honestly decided to update just to get that out.
Also to say Happy Thanksgiving and yeah thats all. I havent read anyones lj's in forever so I hope u are all doing good.
And also, so I could make a quick list of things I hate (nothing says "happy holidays" quite like a hate list...here I go:)

-Dr. Phil's voice
-Guys who get angry when girls burp

I guess thats the list.

Yesterday BIlly and I went to the dog shelter to look for a small puppy to adopt. We got in a little snippy argument right before they brought the dogs out...(I stole a few magazines in the waiting room because Jake Gyllenhaal was in them...he got mad), so in my head I was secretly hoping that the dogs would run to me and like me more than him. So naturally when the first dog pranced out of the door he ran over to me, lifted his leg and peed all over my pants and shoe. Now I'll quote Alicia Keyes- "Its called Karma baby, and it goes around."

We've, scratch that...I'VE narrowed down our puppy possibilities to the following:

He's leaning towards the pug or puggle, and for whatever reason I really want a Boston Terrier more than a Yorkie.

I also have a recent, yet incredibly strong addiction to salami sandwiches.

I dont know whats wrong with me.

I should be sprouting a penis in the next few weeks.

Check for that update

and have a good THanksgiving.

P.S- Another HATE:
-When ppl say TUKREY DAY instead of thanksgiving. Its not fair. To Vegeterians. Or pilgrims.

Current Mood: calm
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
5:44 pm
Taco Bell is the new Love.
(Im copying Katie with this one..)
Go to google, and type in "{your name} needs" and post the top 10 results...

According to Google I need:
1.)Lyndsey needs a plan:. Quit using the credit cards.

2.)Lyndsey needs a few more moments to set things up.

3.)Lyndsey needs to learn from the past so that she can shape the future.

4.)Lyndsey needs to get a better make up artist, true, and so what if her boobs are fake? She certainly has a lot of "confidence" with them now.

(HAHA #4 is fantastic)

5.)Lyndsey needs to start commenting up in this piece!

6.)Lyndsey needs some cause larger than her own profit.

The rest would need to be re-worded so I'll just stick with 6 needs. Kind of strange how right-on they all are. Aside from the fake boobs and credit card usage.

Well I guesssss I'll do a random, quick update due to my procrastination.

-Mom and Bruce come home from Florida today. Im trying to get the house nice and clean so she can come home and just be stress-free for awhile.

-Billy and I got into a horrible fight yesterday. Much worse than our usual ones. This time we actually broke up for more than a 20-minute-period. This one featured tons of crying and hanging up on eachother, and even going to bed single. Oh my. Take a deep breath its all okay now. Whew, feeling better? Yeah I thought so. Today I went in to work with the intent of being nice, and we started bickering again. So at work we sit in these long rows of cubicles and of course they switched my seat to the one right next to him. So there was no escape. We tried to talk, ended up arguing so the stupid ass called my phone. We literally talked on the phone when we were side by side, we calmed down and decided to go to lunch together as usual. And what happens? We get Taco Bell then the car runs out of gas on Towpath road so we were stuck with some nachos and a chance to talk about stuff while we waited for Triple A. Weird how those opportunities present themselves. So we drive back to work and instead of going back in, we randomly park in the back of the parking lot and hooked up in the back of his truck-jeep-suv thing. Its a ghetto love I tell you. At this point all I can do is laugh at our history and how we make things better each time.

Yesterday Anna and I finally went wig shopping. Weve planned this for months and we just carpe diem-ed. We knew that Kat was workin at Doughertys so we knew it was a perrfect place to go harrass her, and get our wigs on (<--if you say that "get our wigs on" in a 50 cent voice, I bet people would laugh). Anyways, we figured Kat would be workin the cash register but to our pleasant surprise she was in the wig section so she got to be our wig bitch for 2 hours. I only tried on like two or three wigs before I finally settled on mine. Its so cute. Its (because you care-) like a deep reddish/auburn color and straight with long layers, angles, and a slight side part. I got it because Carmen had this hair-style and color in the mid-90's. Feel free to make fun of me, Im used to it. Anna went crazy and got a blonde, layered wig that has a bunch of different shades of blonde- its hot. They were 70 dollars each. My naive self only brought 15 dollars assuming that fake hair cant be that expensive. I was wrong. I didnt realize Anna had her credit card so I had to call billy and ask him to come buy me a wig, haha. He showed up, and I realized Anna was spotting me the cash. I tried to make the most of the awkward shopping experience but when I shimmied to him while wearing a horse mask he wasnt too turned on, so he and josh left. Needless to say, anna and i have both been wearing them around our houses since we bought them so I think our fat heads broke them in. We got them to wear to the bars/downtown on Friday. Its going to be fabulous. And on Halloween I think we decided to be gangsters so we can tip a Fedora hat to the side and sing "keeeepin it gangsta" all night long, all night long till the break of dawn.

If any of you didnt think it was possible to write a 2500 word essay on wig shopping, well, I just proved you wrong.

The other day in script-writing class one of my classmates, who was probably seperated from me at birth, did that thing where he found something funny to the point where he couldnt stop laughing. It got to the point where the teacher had to stop class because the kid was so red in the face from biting his lip in an attempt not to laugh anymore. Naturally, i couldnt take my eyes off of him, and whenever he glanced over we would burst out laughing. It was like that scene in Mary Poppins where Bert takes everyone to go see his grandpa, and then they all laugh themselves up to the ceiling. Literally one by one we all started laughing until we couldnt breathe, so the teacher gave the class a twenty minute break so we could go get some fresh air and compose ourselves. It was fantastic. What I found so funny, was what he found so funny- we were talking about this character in one of the girls screenplays. And this character is a hairdresser who is afraid of commitment. And in one scene she is cutting and old womans hair and someone brings up marriage...and for whatever reason, our teacher suggested that she be a bad haircutter and just light peoples heads on fire to burn the ends of their hair off. So this kid just thought that was incredible. I can only imagine what images he had running through his head to make him laugh in this manner, but he pretty much became my new hero with his pyrotechnic imagination.

And because I think this is the best thing anybody could put on their grave, I will share it....

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Current Mood: lazy
Saturday, October 8th, 2005
10:53 pm
Saturday night. Im home- alone. Eating nachos in my mother's bathrobe. Can somebody please tell me when my life went from borderline ridiculous to certifiably (dont know how to spell that word) pathetic?

Im in such a weird mood. WEIRD does not even describe my mood. Sometimes I seriously wish I could look into my own brain and see if theres some semi-retarded drama queen getting drunk up there because I cant even make sense of myself sometimes.

Mom has been in Florida with Bruce since Tuesday. They got engaged. They were down on the beach collecting seashells and Bruce had prepared a shell beforehand. On the back of it he wrote, "Julie will you Marry Me?", naturally, she said yes. I'm very happy for her. For him. Just in general. She's never been married. Its nice/scary to think that after 48 years she's finally gotten her ring. That sounded cynical. I really am happy for them.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (spelling is probably incorrect) is coming out in a new movie: CAPOTE. I've been on it's official website all day. It looks like its going to be amazing. The cinematography looks beautiful and the premise sounds very very good. I look at movies sometimes and wonder where they can find such perfect places to catch a sunset, or the fog hitting the trees hitting the lake and bouncing to the sky. It seems like they just jump into paintings. I dont think there is a single place around here that could make me go "wow" if I saw it on film. The closest thing I can think of is the shores of Lake Ontario, but if you look to the left there's cheap diners, and to the right theres a nuclear power plant so congrats mankind on messing up one of the few spectacular places we have to offer.

My script for class is going to be stupid. I know it. Im writing it because I have to; not because I had all these amazing ideas spinning around in my head. I can only write well when something really intrigues me, and lately virtually nothing does.

Jeff finally completed the first, or is it second, draft of the script we were working on. I got bored with it and he kind of took control. He emailed it to me like 2 weeks ago, I read it. And every day since then he has called or imed me to ask for advice on it. Not once have I returned these calls or ims. I dont know why. I have no reason to be rude to him. Its like I feel powerful for once and Im just enjoying tormenting him. I really dont understand why I do this. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she just said, "Lyndsey, thats mean". So I knew she didnt quite get how I was feeling. Or else I just didnt like the truth. Either way Im still stuck on this semi-pathetic power trip.

As weird as that seems to me, I still find myself finding happiness in strange places. Im still fascinated by the fact that we all have our own world/thoughts/ideas that make us feel like the center of the universe. And when I step out of that mind frame I notice the smallest things that make me feel good about life- mainly just people watching. I like watching the families the most...mostly little children with their parents. I like how the parents stare at their child like they are the most spectacular thing in the world. And I like how the children stare up at the parents, because at that age, they are their world. Its just a cool cycle that I think could make many people happy (if they really watched) assuming it doesnt go unnoticed.
Then again, sometimes in my head I will have horrible, mean thoughts about people who I dont know. I hear myself judging them...then I yell at myself and remind myself that Im no better...and then this feeling just overwhelms me and it makes me want to give them a compliment or find a way to make them happy. Im sure this overwhelming feeling can be classified as "guilt" but it seems much more than that. I wont even try to make sense of it.

I havent been going to my classes. I find myself getting distracted and hungup on petty things. I tell myself that these things are excuses to fuck myself as I did freshman year but I dont care. Ive lost all motivation in everything. I drive to campus and just sit in my car staring at the lake until class would have ended. I can predict my letter saying "youve failed out again, bitch" - I dont care. I can predict my mother having a nervous breakdown about me and my avoidable failures; still I cant change it. I hate it here. Im lonely and bored with life but in some sick way I like it. Like it makes me feel important or special; like noone else knows how I feel...thus making me something greater than they will ever be. I can write "fucked up logic, huh?" but I wouldnt mean it. I think it makes perfect sense.

Im really starting to wonder where my life is going. Im letting things and past ambitions and people slip away faster every day and I dont care and Im not too sure as to why. Im sure a lot of it has to do with Billy. Now heres one person who couldnt be a bigger blessing/destructor rolled into one if they tried. When were good; were good. But still there are issues. His jealousy has transferred to me and now I find myself doing and saying and even thinking things that never would have entered my mind in previous relationships. Im now the girl that calls to make sure hes being good, the girl who plays head games, the girl who will stay in and write a stupid livejournal at 11pm instead of admitting whats wrong with her. Sometimes I want to be with him for a long time, and other times I wish there was a giant DELETE button that could erase my knowledge of his existence. I remember the day I met him I wrote a journal entry in my real-journal about how I had a feeling that he was going to change my life forever. I can look back and kind of laugh at how dramatic I am; but at the same time I look back and realize how right I was. I feel like he has taught me how to really care about a person that doesnt share my blood but he has also taught me that I have to sacrifice a lot of who I am in order to care. I know someone will say "if it was real- you wouldnt have to sacrifice any of who you are." 4 months ago I would have agreed, but now Im not so sure.

Im just not sure of many things anymore.

My grandma is still dying of cancer; that Im sure of. She sounds so weak when I talk to her.
So does my dad. Our relationship, I think, has finally reached a point where all my past guilt is gone because I dont even feel like I have a father anymore. Its just a man who I know, who gives my mother money every Friday because Im here. But just a man nonetheless. He'll call and I dont answer. I never answer my home-phone. But he'll just talk into the machine: ..."Hello Lyndz.......You there? ....It's about 5 o'clock.... Just called to say hi, love you." CLICK. And then the message ends and so do my thoughts. He came to drop off the child support money on Friday. Usually I just let him ring the bell; pretend Im sleeping or showering. But this week I answered. He looks different than I remember. Shorter, stockier, younger...if that makes any sense. I did my best to look him in the eye, and I actually did. I felt nothing. No thoughts like "this is my father". Just stuff like "Did he get shorter?". He commented, as always, as how he feels like he doesnt have a daughter anymore. I say nothing, then he laughs, and I smile. ANd he adds- "well I know youre busy". Clearly we have a case of denial, and we both know it, and I guess thats ok...
Sometimes denial is better than knowing, and admitting it. Because when we admit nothing to ourselves theres nothing to get hungup on. Its kind of like having a party but nobody you know comes. Just you and some strangers. You can either embrace it or let it get you down and I do what I shouldnt. I admit to myself whats happening, and whereas most people would do things to change it, I just let myself sink deeper into this place where Im miserable and lazy and just daydream in order to pass the time. Such a contradiciton.

Current Mood: indescribable
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
2:12 am
A ridiculous tale of downtown ass-kickery
Hi its Lyndsey.
My room is so hot. Honestly if I take the whole Heaven/Hell thing literally: my room would definitely be hell now. Its probably 105 degrees and theres nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, a huge spider came barreling across the wall all over my posters and pictures just going so fast and tainting all my cool stuff. I was eating a fruit punch popsicle when this happened. I didnt know what to do. He was so big and scary I didnt want to go near him. So I got my flashlight and kept it fixed on him so I wouldnt lose track of him. I dont really know what I was trying to accomplish with the flashlight. He wasnt intimidated. I finished my popsicle and decided I want another one. So I told myself I couldnt get another one unless I killed the spider so he couldnt sneak away while I was gone. So I was going to use my stolen STAR magazine, but alas I hadnt "read" it yet, and by read I mean look at the pictures and insult the celebriities to boost my self esteem. To make a short story long- I killed him and screamed like a little girl to which my mom screamed "Stop!". She has been passed out for awhile but it amazes me how despite the fact that she is pretty much deaf when I want her to hear me she somehow gains eardrums and hears my pathetic moments in life.

She broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. This has happened like 8 other times but I think this time its for good. So all day today she sat around drinking girl drinks and eating candy with me. I know thats probably not the best way to get over a breakup but hey I benefitted cuz she was so calm and we just sat on my front porch talking about funny things and crazy memories from life basically. Im selfish.

Ok get ready to judge me.
Last night I decided to go downtown with Ms. Alicia because I really do love her and think we are soul-mate friends. So we get ready yadda yadda and head to Chucks because they love us there and we get in free and usually get hooked up with drinks. I dont know why. Theres probably a believable rumor that we are whores going around and that could help our case. Needless to say we drank WAY too much. It was pretty dead. After asking 3 gay men to play us in pool for drinks and being rejected we were like ok lets get desperate. We re-approached the rude gay men and basically made them play pool with us. "loser buys drinks". Our plan was to do good and win and get free drinks. And by "do good" I mean distract the other team with whatever body parts they may like while the other one pushes our balls into the pockets. Yeah, we didnt take into account that they were gay and dont care we are wearing pushup bras unless its to discuss the brand name. So we start playing, I attempt to push a ball into a pocket and the 3rd guy (who wasnt playing)pulls his friends to the side to tell them that he saw me attempt to cheat. Whoa its just a game of pool buddy but whatever. Needless to say karma came through and I hit the 8 ball in; we lost, so when they asked us about buying drinks we picked up our purses and ran away, literally. It was pretty smooth.
So at this point were running low on cash and decided we needed to get more drinks. The solution? A guy was walking back from the bathroom as we were sitting at the bar so I get the brilliant idea to stick out my thumb towards him like I was hitch-hiking. My only intent was for him to smile, but he came over, and Alicia said "Carmen is just being silly...she just wanted you to buy us a drink." What does he do? Smiles and buys us a drink. I was in shock. So we chilled with him for a bit cuz he was a nice guy.
After he left we were still thirsty. I told a dark haired, dark skinned, glasses wearing guy he looked like Jude Law. He clearly didnt. He got very excited and was like wow let me buy you girls a drink. At this point I realize that:
A.) My pimp hand is strong.
B.) These guys thought we were whores
c.) These guys were drunk and friendly and okay a tad gullible
Possibly all 3. I dont know. So his friend comes over and Im drunk and thought it would be funny to hell him he looked like Gene Wilder. OF all people, I dont know why Willy Wonka came to mind. Needless to say he wasnt amused and I told him I was joking. Unfortunately one of Alicias friends came over and we asked her who this guy looked like (cuz we give everyone celebrity names) and who does she say? DREW CARREY. I was like you dumb dumb butthead. She didnt get it was supposed to be flattering. So at this point the guy is extremely offended but we upgraded him from Drew Carrey to Brad Pitt and he was happy.
This story is long, Im sorry.
So after Chucks Me, Anna Nicole, Jude Law, Brad Pitt, and Sienne Miller (alicias friend) climb into a taxi so I can go to Mullys and see Jay. I asked Jay if he could let me and Alicia in and he said that was okay but imagine his surprise when I bring half of Hollywood with me. Oh before the taxi ride we made a stop to the taxi dispatchers so we could see the woman who hated us and so I could pee in between the soda machines again. It was all pretty classy.
Ok so mullys. We get there. I sit with Jay cuz I hadnt seen him in like a week or two. Hes not my boyfriend by the way even though we act like we are together. So the Dave guy I was talking about last entry (the one who never calls) wanted to meet me downtown. He knew I was going to Mullys so he goes there. I did want to hang out with him. So I find him and tell Jay Im going pee. And stupid me and Dave go to a different bar. At this point in the night its all a blurr. The next thing I know we are in CornerBar doing shots, the next thing I know we are walking down the street and I fall off a curb, I remember an elevator ride, and then I find myself on his couch watching Goodfellas...I look up- no lie: hes standing there naked holding a vibrator and tells me to use it on myself in front of him. Im in such shock. So my phone rings and its Jay and I didnt know what to say- "oh hi jay Im actually at this guys apartment, hes naked and trying to get me to play with a vibrator?"--no I didnt say that. So I tell Dave not to say a word and I tell Jay Im lost downtown. Jay starts freaking out asking where I am saying he'll come get me. I told him Id call him back. He calls me like 298 more times and he tells me he's gonna leave work and walk to come get me. So I get the hell outta Daves apartment. Of course Dave wont let me walk back by myself even though Jay is on his way to meet me. So I tell Dave he cant walk with me cuz I dont want Jay to think something happened and get jealous. So get this- Dave walks behind me and we pretened we dont know eachother. So jay leaves work and Im trying to explain to him where I am...I was like 9 blocks away from the bar area. No clue how I got there. So Jay sees me from far away standing on a corner crying. Haha what a loser. He sees Dave sitting on a trashcan next to me and I tell jay it was just a nice guy that made sure I was ok till he got there. So me and jay turn to leave and dave is staring at me like "what now?" SO I say "goodbye sir thankyou for standing with me." hahahaha wow. I felt so guilty.
So the rest of the night I stuck by Jay cuz I realized hes the one I wanted to be around. And it was just nice. This morning we went out for breakfast and watched movies all day and Im just happy. I dont even know what I was thinking by leaving the bar. I really need to cool out on the drinking when I go out. This really made me sound like a stereotypical white trash bar slut. But im not. I think me and Jay are pretty much together now. Its so weird how life works. I knew I cared about him but apparently it took a naked guy holding a vibrator in front of my face to make me realize I wanted jay the gentleman for real. So were doing good now and no more innebriation for me.

That was long.
But wow that night was nuts.
I look back and Im just like I could have gotten raped at so many different points
and I also think
thank god Dave didnt pull out a humbug cuz I would have been tempted.
inside joke for those on the inside.
Im done being narsicistic. No clue how to spell that. So many C's and S's in one word.

Current Mood: hot
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
12:58 am
This is long. Skip it all except for the part about the Australian Girl. K thanks.
da da daaa Im bored. TV bores me lately. Not really. Well, kinda. Maybe thats because I just watched this tv-documentary about UFO's on the History Channel two times in a row.......I cant lie- my remote control is across the room and I really have no desire to go get it so I learned all about spaceships and watched another 4 hours of my life go down the drain. Haha how depressing.

Today in the daycare at work I had the two cutest baby-toddler things ever. They were like 20months old or so...is that still a baby? Im so dumb sometimes. Anyways, they werent related but they played together like they were brothers. One was Corey and one was Tristan and I literally fell in love. Ive had Tristan before. He NEVER cries...he just laughs and smiles all the time. Literally people who are working out stop by the daycare just to see him..hes like the most popular baby ever. Corey was exactly the same...he has this chubby face and just kept wanting to hug me and lean on me and sit on my lap. Gah I want a baby. Then there was this little girl Brooke who just turned 2 in February. Ive watched her since she was 10months old but shes turning into a rebel and its hysterical. She apparently learned swear words from "her dad playing Vice City cuz the characters swear on it." Bullshit. But something about a little girl swearing is the funniest thing in the world. Kids are so cool. Its like they cant form a proper sentence but they NEVER use a swear word wrong. You never hear "youre a fuck shit"...although I guess that could work. But kids are like "youre a fucking bitch". I dont know how they can form the proper adjective/noun/verb agreemenet thing but its impressive and hysterical and I cant tell them not to swear when Im laughing too hard.

Im starving. Im craaaaaaaaaving a Take5 candybar. Have any of you tried those? Whoa. Its like chocolate, peanut butter, pretzel, and other stuff all rolled into one and wowza I could live on those.

Haha I clearly have nothing good to say today.

Okay in serious news I feel SO horrible for that young Australian girl accused of smuggling WEED into Bali. Her name is SCHAPELLE CORBY. I dont know how many of you have heard about this but I think its insane that its not in our news mainly because she is not American. Basically this 27...or is it 24 (?) year old, PRETTY as all hell Australian girl was going on a vacation to Bali with her family. She didnt have locks on any of her bags, and supposedly customs found like .41 grams of weed in her surf bag. Theres TONS of speculation that it was planted and there have even been Australian officers who have stepped forward to say that there was a deal between the countries involving drug trafficking/planting drugs to make a statement to possible offenders. I know Im not doing this story justice but check it out. This poor girl has been in a foreign jail since OCTOBER 2004...she lives in a cell with 9 or 10 MALE inmates and was just convicted of the crime. There is a huge backlash in Australia...literally the whole country is joining together to try to stop this case. I just spent a good hour or two going onto all of these websites and signing online petitions to support her. I know that doesnt do much but it feels good knowing that thousands of names are going to be generated to support this poor girl. All enter her name into a search engine and read about this case, look at pics, and watch footage of her during the trial. When the guilty verdict was read her family, mainly her mom started going crazy, its seriously heartbreaking. If you get a chance sign the petition. Did I say that she was sentenced to 20 years in prison for SUPPOSEDLY SMUGGLING WEED. Thats insane. She was also facing the death penalty- a firing squad...but apparently this ruling is "taking it easy on her." I dont know. This world, despite cultural differences/beliefs makes me sick. Poor girl.

Now that Im done ranting about that what else is there?
Jay is pissing me off lately. Every night he is out with this new kid Ryan hes becoming friends with so I just get drunken, jealous calls. He doesnt make plans with me but then he finds out Im out with someone else he gets mad and wants me to let him come pick me up. When I was in Oneida he called and was going to drive out there, pick me up, and drive me back the next day so I could get my car. But then he wont call me when he says hes going to anymore, and he wont come over when he says hes going to so screw it. Thats another one I guess I should quit stressing over. I pick such losers.

Theres also this guy Dave that works out at the gym. He is a guy I could actually be interested in but he does weird stuff. Like hell always come over and flirt with me and ask me to go have a drink with him. So the other night i was like okay lets go. So the place we were gonna go to was closed when we got there...so he asked me to go to his place but I wouldnt. So I said just call me another day and well go out. He says hell call me the next day, does he...no. This has happened a couple times now. The other day he was trying to get me to come out and I said I didnt really feel like it. So he said "let me call you later and we'll figure something out." I said, "no, you always say that then you never call." So I get- "I will call u at 1030 tonight" Does he call, no. Haha damn. SO I finally said screw it. But today at the gym he comes up to me as Im talking to my mom and introduces himself to her and starts sucking up to her big-time. (she didnt like him). Later on I go outside and he's waiting in his car and asks me to go get food with him. I told him I was just on my break and he says to go out with him later. I said maybe. He says hell call me when I get outta work...does he, no. I dont get it. Its not like Im chasing HIM and like OH PLEASE CALL ME. Everyday he asks me to hang out or do something, and I never really say YES...but then he doesnt call. I dont get it at all. I think maybe hes just arrogant and is waiting for me to chase him? I dont know. For the longest time he would always try to get me to call him and I never would and I dont know if this is payback or what. But Cody warned me about him...at first I believed stuff but people keep telling me he was just trying to cockblock. Pardon my trashiness. Haha but hes fucking cute and athletic and when he laughs I immediately lose my brain cells and just want to cover him in chocolate and lick him all over. im sort of joking. He used to be like a star on the SU lacrosse team and I cant lie I looked him up online the other day and he is like in the Top 20 scorers (of all-time) for all of New York State when he was in high school. I dont know why silly records like that make me want to jump his bones but hey I guess Im a sports groupie.

This entry is getting more pathetic by the minute. Honestly if you read it all leave a comment and I will give you a present.

Current Mood: weird
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
5:53 pm
I better be as cool as my grandma one day
I had such a good night. I went to Oneida to work on the script @ Jeffs. Whoa. We're doing so good. We're only a few scenes away from completion...and by completion I mean a rough draft. Exaggeration never gets old. After about 3 rum and cokes and 4 vodka and red bulls we had fucking hysterical ideas for some upcoming scenes. It just makes me want to 'yeeeeeeeehaw'. I havent really re-read our ideas since sobering up just cuz Id rather not come to the conclusion that I have a very low I.Q that shows itself when Im drunk. Not to be gross and random, but I went pee at least 37 times last night. Ive never seen/experienced anything like it. We played this FAB-U-LOUS drinking game called "BONK", Im sure some of you have played it before. And one of the rules is that if you gotta pee you gotta yell "Bladder" and pee before your next turn or else you get a BONK. Well every now and then jeff's mom would come in the attic to have a smoke and heres this crazy girl screaming "bladder" and running down the stairs before anyone could react. I peed so much that I lost. Im trying to patent like a diaper-thong so I'll never have to worry about it again. I dont know who'd go for that. It could have like a label on it ..."For the slut on the go" or something along those lines. Someone tell me to shutup.
Yeah I dont have much else to say. We lined up another actor to play our 7th-wheel in the film. He's perfect for it. We pretty much have all of the main actors lined up now, we got the equiptment set, were on our way to a crazy-good script and Im pumped. We gotta go and get release forms too for our public shots. Im so stoked. Speaking of "stoked" doesn't everyone say that word? A few days ago I was on the phone with Jeff and I said I was stoked about something just as my friend Kenny came up behind me and he literally made fun of me for saying that word. He was like screaming his mocks at me loud enough for Jeff to hear, and Jeff agreed...that only surfers say stoked. I disagree. Its a great word. Spread it around like herpes. Sorry. Theres like a 1 in 4, maybe even a 1 in 3 chance I just offended someone with my STD lingo.

So today my grandma reached an all time low of old-lady-dom. She and my great-aunt julie have a garage sale in oswego during Harborfest every summer. Well, theyve had so many that theyve sold everything that they dont want anymore...so today they went all around hitting up other peoples garage sales only to buy things that they will sell at Harborfest for a higher price and make a profit for. Is there not something wrong with this picture? Its so grimey. I dont know if shes just gotten used to having a garage sale so she needs to get new things to sell out of habit, or cuz shes a complete gangsta and just wants more bling. Most grandmas like bake cookies all day and wear those Ked air-cushioned shoes and smell all powdery and waddle around eating diabetic candy but not her. Shes so ghetto-fab and awesome and I love it.

One more random but funny thing that made me LOL and i NEVER LOL.

(Im talking to my friend Steve online...we always send stupid pics back and forth and this day was no exception...so he sends me a pic that he sent me one or two conversations ago...)
ME: You already sent me this pic
STEVE: I did?...OH I thought I sent it to someone else.
ME: Whoa youre an online whore.
STEVE: I am, I hope I have virus protection.

HHAHAHA is that not the wittiest/stupidest thing in the world. He came up with it so fast. Puns makes the world go round. The end.

Current Mood: happy
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
10:13 pm
Whoa anti depression medication anyone? yeah i need some. apparently livejournal is my place to vent...sorry for my last random entry haha.

Well a few weeks ago I finally watched "I Heart Huckabees". I had been wanting to see that for the longest time, and it was worth the wait...so quirky and funny, just what I like. Theres one thing Id like to address...aside from the fact that it was brilliant theres something that it made me realize even though the film doesnt come to the conclusion that I did. The film says a lot of stuff, but some of the characters struggle with finding out the meanings of experiences and self. And some characters come to the realization that they are putting up a facade and "not being themselves" and then they learn to seperate what they think defines them, from what really is "them". Did that make sense? Well, watching it made me realize that there is no such thing as NOT BEING YOURSELF. I always liked that simple quote "just be yourself" but Ive found that there is no such thing as not being yourself. Think about it- say you know that when you around a certain person you act ditzier because you think that is what they like. Or around another person you adopt their pessimistic attitude about life or other people...but thats not "who you really are"....I think you are. Because when we feel the need to "not be ourselves" that feeling of NOT wanting to act like ourselves for a few moments is a feeling WE really had...thus, making all those urges to put up a facade a part of who we really are, meaning literally everything we do and say (even if we dont think its who we are) really is us, because all of those actions stemmed from urges and feelings we truly had. WHew, if you get what Im going for I love you.

Last post I was talking about a certain guy who I couldnt fully get over and part of me still wanted to be with him. Literally a day or two later I ran back into Jason, the guy I had been talking with for a month or two...theres a whole huge story in itself but Ill just ex all that and say we cleared things up and picked up right where we left off again. The day later the boy I had been talking about in the previous entry called me to talk...not about anything big, we were just catching up I guess. So this conversation completely turned me off to him in all ways. I cant explain it. I was just listening to the things he said and I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON? I felt like I was talking to a stranger and I cant even explain how weird it was. I hung up and was like Thankyou God. Honestly everytime I start getting weak about things, something like this happens and makes me feel strong or in control again. Now I can focus on Jay and see where this chapter takes us.

The moral of this journal- I got my hair highlighted on Tuesday and it looks cute. I did mostly highlights as usual but some lowlights so my old and new highlights wouldnt blend making me a straw-blonde. Now I can actually see the difference between my blonde hairs and my dark shades so its better.
Ok fine that wasnt the moral of this entry.

Current Mood: hungry
Friday, May 20th, 2005
12:38 am
If my mind was a huge paragraph it would look like this...
Blah whats wrong with me? I dont know. I feel like I have to ask myself this a lot lately. I find myself happy and loving everything and everyone one minute...and the next minute something simple triggers something in me and I find myself crying with no real reason until different thoughts flow into my brain and Im sad and confused and lonely and I have no idea why. I dont know. I probably do know. It’s a mixture of things. Work is stressing me out; mom is constantly nagging and nitpicking at me. I want to talk bad about her but then my love for her just takes over and makes me feel guilty for even wanting to have rude thoughts. I don’t know. I just feel like everything in my life is like my own head game. I should just take things and people for what they are but theres like this part of me that wants to understand every part of every person and every situation and I just think about things too much. I never thought it was possible to think too much but lately Im starting to question my previous thoughts when all of my thinking makes me completely sad. Like today I got really sad, and just started crying and wanna know what thoughts came into my head?...its really weird. All of the sudden my mind was like a huge collage of things from my life- I saw (remember this is odd) VanGough's painting "Starry NIght" then I started thinking of how I wish I lived back then and was a painter but then I worried that I wouldnt be pretty because I wouldnt have any of my modern day tricks and that turned into how I get insecure around really pretty girls and that somehow transformed into thinking about the DaVinci Code and God and Martin Scorsese and finally why the hell any of us are here. What the hell is wrong with my mind? Out of all the things to think of I get filled with Martin Scorsese and Vincent VanGought images. Im just weird. Life is just weird. Were all going to be dead in like 50 or 60 years. It sounds like a long time and I think that each and every one of us we know were going to die and we don’t believe it- like everyone we know will miraculously stay as they are forever. It just depresses me to think that were all going to die and then everything we are dies with us. Sure some of us are going to have kids and grandchildren to remember us, but after them...where are we? All these pictures and journals and sentimental things we have will mean nothing to anyone. Who knows where theyll end up, or who will remember us. It bothers me to think that one day Ill be gone and nobody will remember me or even know my name. Its strange, I know. But its what Im thinking at the moment. I should quit writing right now but I cant. Im listening to these songs by this young singer BEA I found on myspace. I think Im falling in love with her music over and over. The words and the sound and her voice are just like whoa..finally someone who understands what its like to be a 20-something girl and have no idea whats going on. Im lonely too. Listen to me Im like a broken record. I don’t care though. I listen to a lot of peoples problems or random thoughts so I think I deserve some too. This is such a hard age. I remember every birthday my mom would say "15 was my favorite age" when I turned 15, or when I turned 18 I'd get- "18 was my favorite age- youre going to love it." as if it was literally a stage with new obstacles or something. I knew she meant well, and I dont think she knew that I caught on that every birthday I had was "her favorite age to be", but then when I got really sad it was always- "this is the hardest age...but things will get better." Ive heard that one since I was about 10 years old. I guess if you can really break ages down into categories of good...bad...worst...best- I think early 20's is the worst. Hopefully Ill have a lot more living to do, even if that means finding that 26 or 37 or 42 is the worst time. But right now, yeah...its rough. Im lazy and unmotivated and I still have those childhood fantasies that one day something miraculous will happen to me and Ill never have to climb the ladder to get to the top. Im sick of school. Im sick of working. Im sick of dealing with immature guys who just want to play around or keep me to the side, thinking that they can get everything they want to out of their system, then when their ready to be serious Ill be there waiting for them. Im obviously referring to a specific person, and if you know me well enough its not hard to figure out who Im talking about. I cant get him out of my mind lately and I dont know why. Literally 2 or 3 weeks ago I was sure I was completely over everything about him...it took awhile, but I felt like my head and heart were clear of him. And then one day I wake up and cant get him out of my mind. My mom loves him and always brings him up despite my requests for her not too. I feel like if I just block him out Ill forget him, but it doesnt work. When we do talk Im so happy. And we can be stupid and goofy and we dont take eachothers shit and its nice. I like a guy who wont take my shit, and I know he likes that I wont take his. I do think he cares about me just as much as I care about him. And I do think that he thinks well be together when hes done getting with every attractive girl he can get with. And I tell myself this, and it used to reassure me...but now Im questioning if waiting for a guy who likes to conquer any challenge that comes his way is worth the wait. I dont know. Im just confused about literally every aspect of my life- school, family, him, work...I just wish some parts would become more stable. Cuz Im sad and bored with life and I really need to make myself happy...for longer than 10 minutes.

Current Mood: lonely
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
5:06 pm
Bits and Pieces of Stuff
I havent updated in awhile I dont think. I dont think my life has changed dramatically in the past week or so, sooooo I dont have too much to say. But then again I always say that and 3487 words later I realize maybe I do have some things on my mind.

Well I guess Ill start off with Steph. Thanks Aj, Jess, and Drea for your imput by the way. Let me make this short and sweet and a tad bitchy. Cody just pulled all these strings to get Steph a job at the Carousel gym, she started talking about him...which resulted in backstabbing him to the point where he is no longer manager. Everyone I know has caught on to all of her lies and legitimately want to hire a hitman. I would laugh at this if i wasnt joking. I dont hate her....just like you learn on Sesame Street when your litte- "hate is a strong word". I just need to take space. I think she's a sad, messed up girl and as much as I'd like to "help" her I can't trust her not to betray me....so I'm slowly taking space and hoping the stalking stops...and that she learns how to make herself happy without harming/screwing others. The End.

I've been working out like crazy lately. The past 2 weeks I just layed around eating chocolate...like paint a mental picture of me watching MTV and eating an entire bag of Nestle Treasure's (caramel and raspberry flavored...goddamn!!!!) So yeah. Ive been doing lots of running and crazy cardio to make up for my downhill spiral into fat-dom. I feel better now and I would like to actually be able to wear a bathing suit in public this year.

I guess all Ive been dealing with lately is figuring out where to go to school next year. I got accepted to the Purchase cinema/film dept but I dunno if I wanna go there. Im bored with this topic. So basically Im waiting to hear from a few more schools but if I dont get into those Ill be going to Purchase.

Um the script Jeff and I have been working on is coming along AMAZINGLY. We are almost done with the first draft...were gonna get those printed, and hand them out to the ppl helping us film this, then were gonna revise it and nitpick some things. Jeff has all the camera, audio, and editting equiptment ready so I think this weekend we're gonna go around and get some shots from around our towns..like the windmills in Caz and a few other places. THe script is about 3 couples and basically theres 7 characters in...4 of which are me, jeff, ANT, and DAVE. Haha wow this is gonna be so weird to film with Dave AND Jeff...I hope its not awkward but we'll see. SO basically in a couple weeks this filming is gonna take up the majority of my weekends, and Im actually stoked about that. We have no literally get release forms for when we film in the mall and these restaurants..and it just seems so "serious". Im really excited to get working on this...and to hang out with my old Oswego friends all summer...so yeah, theres that.

Ive been looking through lots of old pics from when I was little lately and Its so weird to see how many memories can come flowing back from one picture. You know all those toys or clothes you dont have anymore but you will always remember how they looked or how you felt in them when you were little?....Well I keep seeing all of these items or people that I kind of forgot and now I wonder what happened to them. I thought I was so normal when I was little but in every picture im doing something completely weird. Theres pics from when I was like 3 at Sylvan Beach with my mom and my dad. And I must have like grabbed my "privates" haha and my parents told me not to because in every picture from that trip I would put my hands on my spot and laugh hahaha what a weirdo. Then I keep seeing these pics of me and my dad and how close we were and its so strange. I remember how he always used to be so tan from always being outside and how Id always wanna get on his shoulders or back or how he had this red flannelish shirt that I would always associate with him. In every picture Im like cuddled up on his lap or hugging him or hanging from his neck cuz I didnt wanna let go of him. I can hardly look at those pics without crying but its almost good. After looking at them I called my dad 'just to say' hi last night...I know that sounds so stupid and simple but I dont think Ive done that in like 4 years...and it made him so happy. So I decided for fathers day Im going to take a bunch of pics of me and my dad from the time I was a baby until recent times and get them copied and make him like a scrapbook cuz he doesnt have many pics of us. Hes like so sentimental so I know he'll like it, and probably cry haha, but I definitely want to get this done instead of saying Im going to do it. I think maybe those pics will keep reminding me that he was like my king at one point and yeah, I hope it works.

But yeah to wrap this up I guess Ill say that I think all of you should get out tons of picture albums and really take a look at stuff from when you were little. Its so bizarre...seeing how young your grandparents looked, or seeing the weird things you did when the camera started flashing, or just seeing how funny you looked when you were little and naked. haha i sound like a kiddie porn ad so Im goig to shutup. But take my advice. K bye.

Current Mood: mellow
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
5:19 pm
I dont know what to do. I feel bad writing this but oh well. Stephanie is driving me crazy. She moved back from Cali a week or two ago and already she is stalking me and half of our mutual friends. I dont know if I can put into words how rude and disrespectful she can be and I dont know why i deal with it, and why I dont draw some boundaries between us. The first time we hung out since she got back was last Saturday and I actually had a blast. She was being friendly and fun and didnt only talk about herself, we went to the movies then to Ruby Tuesdays and it was really nice and I was completely relieved that she wasn't irking me. Now its a week later and I cant explain to you how stressed I am. I dont know why I allow myself to let people be such a burden to me but I do. Just for examples of why Im going crazy here it goes:
(I worked 730am-430pm)
9am: Steph shows up at my work to sit around and talk to me, I was like ok whatever but she kept saying "you should thank me for getting up just to come and talk to you!"...as if I asked her to come in.
she left around 1030 and at:
12pm: my work phone rings: "Lyndz, I just bought a puppy tell them to give you a break, Ill come get you and we'll go out to Cicero to see it and get some food." SO Im like umm no I cant just request to leave work and if I did I have 3478 other things to do so I wouldnt have time to go see your puppy anyways. "Well then we'll just go together on Saturday to see it."
I avoided that the best I could.
1pm the phone rings- "Lyndz, I just got pulled over in my new car and I got out of the ticket! I knew the cop would be easy to flirt with I could tell he thought I was pretty blah blah blah"
230pm: Phone rings- "Lyndz, what are you doing." Um well Im kind of busy. "why?" Because Im at work and have 3 people on hold on the other lines, Ill call you later. "You better call me!"
3pm: Stephanie shows up at my work again just to sit and talk. She stays all the way until 430 and tells me I better go out with her that night and if I "dont call her by 730 shes coming over to my house and knocking on my door." At this point IM speechless and was just like Ill call you when I wake up from my nap dont you dare come to my house cuz I wont answer the door even if Im there.
..I call her later in the night and she says shell pick me up to go downtown at 10. So I was like Ok whatever and called Kenny to see if he was going out. He told me Steph called him like 3 times that day and he didnt answer any of her calls and that he was going to the movies with cody and randy and all those guys. Kenny told me to go with him and not go out with Stepg cuz shes nuts. I call Cody, he tells me "you can come to the movie but dont fucking bring stephanie and pawn her off onto us." So more phone calls ensued but basically I just said screw it cuz Steph showed up early.


10pm: Im on the phone and Steph walks into my room, goes into my closet. Pulls a short off of a hanger, holds it up to herself as if deciding whether or not to wear it and I say "I like what you have on better." So Steph was like ok, and throws my clean shirt into my hamper.
A few minutes later Im in the bathroom and I hear my cell phone beeping from inside my room. I go in and Steph is sitting there reading all of my received text messages.
Honestly, who does that?????

So we go out blah blah blah. She calls me like 4 times Saturday.
Today she calls my cell at 10am, 1pm, 3pm and she just left a message on my house phone a few minutes ago and she left me an IM from her sisters screename.

WHAT DO I DO. I know that ppl will obviously say "tell her to knock it off" but i cant do it for some reason. I do like the girl and we do have fun at times but this is just ridiculous. If she was my boyfriend and behaving like this Id break up with her, so what do I do since shes a girl? Im lost.
Shes driving everyone nuts and Kenny is blatantly never talking to her again.
I know this is so high school to sit here and type this all out behind her back pretty much but IM going CRAZYYYYYYYY. I feel like she tries to bring me down. All of the guys that Im friends with she tries to become friends with and shell tell me how "he said I was so hot" and this guy or that guy definitely want me. And at the same times all these guys shes saying these things about come bitching to me how annoying and arrogant she is so I know all of these claims shes making are not true. I dont even know how to explain this but its like shes trying to prove to me shes just as tight with these people as I am like some twisted competition. I dont know if I need to cut her out of my life or be patient or what. The avoidance thing doesnt work with her . Last time I did that she called me all the time and when I didnt answer she came to my house rang the bell, when I didnt answer she went around my house and banged on every window screaming my name and yelling into my answering machine.

I know its bad that Ive dealt with her for this long but what the hell do I do. I honestly am so stressed I could scream and yeah thats all.

Current Mood: aggravated
Saturday, May 7th, 2005
6:20 pm
1. Lyndsey
2. Lyndz
3. Carmen haha! All the bouncers downtown really think my name is Carmen. When Alicia goes out and Im not there they are all like "where's carmen!?" They will die never knowing my true identity muahaha

1. Somethin like LilScorpio then a random #
2. Umm Lbabe315
3. Then my current one which I should change seeing Ive had it since like 7th grade.

1. DSL's
2. Um Green eyes
3. Hair

1. Height. I wanna be like 5'6"
2. Weight. Wish I was 10lbs lighter.
3. Nose. Need a nose job like woah

1. Italian
2. Ukranian
3. ______Awesomeness______

1. Knives
2. Centipedes/Worms/Snakes....all that creepy crawly junk
3. Driving on highways next to huge 18 wheelers and feeling like Im going to get sucked underneath them.

1. Makeup, naturally. Ironic use of words.
2. Allergy pills
3. Food duh. Boring answers.

1. A huge sweatshirt. Haha thats all. No undies. No makeup. No earrings. So pretty much not Sexy.

1. Counting Crows
2. Ehh I cant think of any others though there are plenty.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (Favorites for the moment at least)
1. "Anna Begins"- Counting Crows. Always a favorite.
2. "The Blowers Daughter"- Damien Rice
3. That Howie Day song that I can never remember the title of.

1. Crazy ridiculous stupid senses of humor where we can laugh at anything and everything and have lotsa inside jokes.
2. Honesty/Trust
3. Respect for eachothers families as silly as that sounds.

1. Taller than me by more than one or two or three or four inches.
2. Thick Necks
3. Broad shoulders

1. Watchin Movies
2. writing
3. doodling

1. My mom to quit blowing her nose really loud just as she walks by my door.
2. Chicken Tender Salad.
3. Kidnapp my manager, put him in a ventilated potato sack, put him in a hot air balloon, float him safely to Russia where he becomes a chimney sweeper, never reproduces, is happy and has amnesia and never returns to America or any country I may be vacationing in ever again.

1. Scriptwriter
2. Cinematographer
3. Casting Director and other film stufffff

1. Italy.
2. Any tropical place sans tsunamis and suicide bombs.
3. France. oui oui

1. Isabella
2. Evan
3. Gia

1. Get married and have the coolest kids in the world.
2. Travel to amazing places.
3. Not be scared to die.

1. I love watching sports
2. I can burp louder than a fat man drinking soda.
3. I can beat pretty much anyone in video games.

1. Shopping is my First name
2. Makeup is my Middle Name
3. Pushup Bras is my Last name.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
2. a young Robert DeNiro
3. a young Marlon Brando

Current Mood: tired
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
1:13 pm
My randomness Enters your screen...
Ok so does anybody really matter? Do you matter do I matter does every person as a whole matter...I have no idea. But everyone thinks that they matter. THey think their friends matter. THey think their parents matter. THey think their waitress matters until they pay the bill and never see her again. We sit at a stop light and theres cars all around us filled with different families and some people are single and lonely others are foreign and loud and while you sit at the stop light you dont think about any of those people at all, and if you do you are probably thinking WHY IS HE LOOKING AT ME or I WONDER IF THEY SAW ME SINGING BY MYSELF you never say "I wonder what they are listening to on their radio over there." So basically we all think our lives are big and important and the people around us are accessories but to those people we are just their accessories and their lives are big and important and their prayers and wishes are heard first and their lives would make the best book and we are just there. So pretty much I have no idea what matters but we are both the star and the audience in life and yeahhhhhh its weird when you think about it. We're all meaningless and meaningful and theres really no way to change that.

Thats all. Last week of classes. Crunch Time. Im pretty happy.

Current Mood: peaceful
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
1:20 am
Dont read if you get annoyed easily
Wowza Ive been so sick. Yup I just said Wowza.
I started feeling shitty last Friday or so...my throat hurt so bad but my mom just thought I was being dramatic so she didnt "let" me go to the doctors until yesterday even though my tonsils were the size of golf balls with huge white splotches covering them. Sexy right? I went so far as to take pics of them to document my horrific journey and I was like "Oh wow Ill post those pics in livejournal!" ...But Im sitting here now thinking how id feel if someone showed me random pics of their splotchy throat so yeah I wont be posting the pics...dont get to disappointed. But my doctor was literally like "Holy shit!" when he saw my throat cuz it was that bad. So now Im completely cracked out on medicines that they usually wouldnt prescribe for Strepp but I let it get so out of control that I need to be sterilized haha. Wow im such a loser.

Ummmmmm lalala i cant really think of anything to say. I just took a 6 hour nap...which typically is just called "bed" but since I took it from 5pm-11 its a nap. I know Im going to be up all night. I worked all day and it just dragged onnnnnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I didnt get much sleep cuz last night at 330 my phone rings and before even looking at it I knew it was going to be Frank. I hung it up twice but he just kept calling so I finally talked. And got his usual I miss you's and I messed up's and all of that. After our first convo he called back 5 minutes later cuz he apparently thought the first conversation went so well that it warranted a second call. This time he explained why our relationship got messed up at the end of it...and this time I think he finally told me the truth. After 5 minutes of this I hung up again. In about 5 minutes my phone rings again and now Im wide awake so I think fuck it Ill just talk for a bit then I can get some sleep. But of course he starts saying things that get me thinking so when we hang up at like 415 I lay in bed for a good half hour before I can get sleepy.
I dont get that kid. Out of all the people Ive encountered in life, excluding maybe one or two people here and there, he is by far the most confusing. I dont know if alcohol makes him tell the truth or makes him an excellent liar but I guess it doesnt really matter either way.
I will admit he was funny when he invited me to The Chicken Wing Festival on Saturday. hahahhaahhhaha thats one of those events that only a guy could get excited by and think that it would be sweet to ask a girl to. Actually its one of those events that only a guy would go to. You know you need to find a new town to live in when yours starts having a fucking chicken wing festival.

Steph moved back to Cali
I dont know.
She keeps calling me 24/7.
I dont like being someones crutch.
I know that sounds bad. But as soon as she finds more friends or a new boyfriend my phone will only ring on the weekends when she wants to get drunk and wear my clothes or gossip. I dont like that. ANd I feel phony sitting here writing this behind her back but I cant really say anything to her face until she shows me that she hasnt learned how to be a friend. I dunno. Im contradicting myself. I just dont like friendships based on need rather than a mutual understanding as corny as that sounds. The friends that stand out most in my heart are the ones that I can just look over at without saying a word and we burst out laughing because we both know what the other ones thinking. Or the friends that send stupid ims just to say hi or make a joke not just when they need something.
I just wish shed let her guard down sometimes and be silly and not worry that people are judgin her for acting immature. One time when we were out with Cody and Yuri and all those guys, I got laughing SO hard...I dont remember what happened but I fell right out of my chair and she YELLED at me as if I was her daughter. But what makes it more ridiculous was the fact that we were in a strip club...dont ask, thats a whooooooole other story. But as if all the disgusting men were like "wow that fully clothed girl over yonder just fell out of her chair laughing" when they have a naked girl rubbing their unwashed faces between her boobs.

Anyways I just went on a tanget. haha yeah sometimes I get a lil too crazy with my story telling..,Woo let me wipe the sweat off of my forehead.

But i dunno.
I was going to finish this off with something really witty but my mind just went blank.
Can I just say that I pretty much dislike anyone who volunteers to go on an MTV dating show. I dont know why I am annoyed by these people so much but wow. Who spends their Saturday sitting on a bus with 4 other guys just to have a 40 minute date with a bitchy girl from Long Island whos usually wearing a jean skirt and ugg boots even though its summer. Ugh I just hate those shows.
Haha in like 3 years Ill probably be on one and then you can all ridicule me but until then just dont watch those stupid shows because Im queen and thats what I say.

Ok im dizzy and pretty cracked out right now so im gonna go sleepy.
Tomorrow is gonna be a nails and tanning and gym day so if youre around and wanna meet up thatd be swell.
So so swell.
ha ok i really am going to shutup now. Im annoying even myself and I heard thats hard to do...like tickling, it sucks how you cant tickle yourself. I tried. but it didnt work. Well i do know one way to tickle yourself that i accidentally invented but its tricky and strange so if you wanna know leave a commentttttttttt
god im so weird. goodnight.

Current Mood: silly
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
1:41 am
Burn your astrology books.
Its quarter to two...friday night. I'm sitting at home kind of groggy and bored, but content all at the same time. I feel like I have a cold coming on which really sucks. I hope its just allergies but with my luck Im probably getting sick. I haven't gone out for 2 Fridays in a row now which seems to be a disgusting record. I've gotten so used to going out with Alicia or Jay or Kenny the past few months that now that we're all busy I feel a weird void when the weekends approach. Its okay though. I really prefer staying home, eating junkfood and watching movies to be completely honest. The only part of going out I really like is doing hair and makeup and then seeing my friends, its not like I go out with the mind-set of "oh Im going to meet new people tonight". In fact, I kind of dislike meeting new people. It's always a let down. Like a seemingly awesome person(guy) will come up to me when I'm out...and we'll start talking and everything will be going smoothly and I'll think "wow, a normal person." And give the conversation 10 more minutes and I can almost guarantee I'll hear something along these lines: "..yeah I usually don't go out on Fridays, Im a white supremecist and our meetings usually are on Friday nights but this week we switched it to Saturday." And then I remember why I go out solely to see my friends...they are relatively normal or at least are compatibly crazy with me. Holy tangent I dont know where I was really going with this but yeah.

In other news: Jessica Alba is SO gorgeous, but she needs to dye her hair back to its natural color. She looks so gaudy with the platinum hair. Its probably for a movie but I hate when gorgeous dark haired women dye their hair bleach blonde...theres enough bleached girls to go around without brunettes changing sides.

Wanna hear of the DUMBEST argument EVER in the history of human civilization:
Ok here it goes...
My manager at work is driving me CRAZY. A few journals ago I was saying how I was getting a new manager from the other gym and that I knew that he and I were going to clash because he is mean to employees. Well, that prediction was way off. In fact we get along nicely but its so fake. The first day we met I took every once of charm I could find in my body and completely buttered him up. Yeah, I have no shame. But now we just goof around and I just roll my eyes at his jokes and kind of polk fun at his corniess and it works...because everyone else is kind of intimidated by him and he makes all of them clean and do all this manual labor shit but he never makes me. But anyways, he thinks that because he "found god" and studied astrology that this makes him "spiritually enlightened" and always right because he "knows who he truly is". Now I cant knock him for believing in God and trying to make sense out of life because Im struggling with the same issues but he thinks hes reached the point that I am searching for (or at least I think thats what I want). I dont know if its even impossible, but I can honestly say that if I slowly become sure of my faith and feel like I know myself inside and out i pray i DONT end up like him. He honestly thinks he knows EVERYTHING. I cant even put into words how ridiculous and anal he is. Like on his first day at our gym he pulled all us workers together and was like..."listen, I dont mind a fun work environment but when everyone is just hanging out talking and laughing during down-time I want you to remember our new motto- 'you got time to lean you got time to clean'. So i expect everyone to pick up our work area." Ok I know making employees clean isnt bad, but just having a motto all ready and acting as if we are going to get all amped to clean because he has a rhyme that applies to the situation made me want to punch him. Im trying to clearly verbalize conversations we have but its sooooo hard to explain his insanity. Ok heres one- today we were talking "ghetto". Like he always pretends to rap stupid lyrics or be like "yo girl whats up in dis place" Like its obvious he's joking when he does it...but today he was like:

Rob: "Hey Lyndz, whats the time-izzle."
Me: Haha You cant add "izzle" to one syllable words it doesnt sound right.
Rob: What do you mean I cant do that?

(NOW hopefully its clear that Im joking, as if theres rules of snoop-talk but anyways) :

ME: It doesnt sound right. You gotta add izzles to bigger words or something.
ROB: See, thats your problem Lyndz. You cant go through life telling yourself you "cant" do something or saying the word "dont". What happens is, you lay in bed every night thinking and all you are saying to youself is 'dont do this' or 'i cant do that'...and you will never succeed with a pessimistic attitude."
ME: Rob are you joking right now? Is this a joke. We were just jokin around about talking like Snoop-dog and now youre telling me Im a pessimist because I said "dont add Izzle to one syllable words"?!
ROB: Yes but you dont understand what Im saying...you cant go through life saying or thinking in terms of "dont".

(AT this point Im borderline furious/about to rip his head off for trying to get deep and philosophical when 2 seconds ago he was talking like a rapper called Snoop Doggy Dogg, and now hes trying to tell me how to live my life and that I have all of these flaws and I dont understand where hes coming from. As if he is the first person to say "you cant tell yourself you CANT do this or that" etc. Not only does he constantly contradict himself but all of these "deep" points he makes about life are cliche and you can go to thequotegarden.com for any number of 'unique' thoughts rob has in his arrogant head.)

ME: I understand what youre saying and not only does it completely not apply to the situation I DONT agree with you. I know that you shouldnt think negatively about yousrself, but striving for perfection within yourself is probably the first step to going crazy.
ROB: Dont strive for perfection.
ME: You just said "dont".
ROB: Damn it you know what I meant. You cant say "Dont" do stuff. Ever. You should never do that.
ME: Thhats ridiculous, you cant go through life just ignoring stuff you know you shouldnt do and only do the good things. You have to tell yourself "dont" sometimes.
ROB: No, because when you do bad things you see the consequences and then you never want to do those things ever again so theres no need to tell yourself "Dont" do something.
ME: Um well if you do bad things yet want to do them again but you know you shouldnt you are going to have to tell yourself "DONT do this" because you learned from your previous mistake.
ROB: NO you wont have to tell yourself "Dont" ever if life because you just begin to feel that you wont want to do certain things therefore eliminating the word "Dont" from your vocabulary.
ME: This really is the dumbest thing Ive ever heard. Its like saying "never have bad thoughts about yourself" and then just like that- BOOM theyre gone! Thats now how it works, you have to tell yourself (assuming you are trying to change your views on yourself) "dont think like that" or "dont do this" because stuff just doesnt happen naturally you need to put effort into making changes.
ROB: thats where you and I are different. I know who I am. I have found my inner and outer soul and therefore I have eliminated the need to have the word "dont" in my vocabulary and unless you begin to change your attitude you wont ever reach the point I have.

Im sorry I cant stop typing but this argument went on and on for probably 20minutes. Theres way more than what I wrote out but Im sure you are already sick of it if you even got this far. At one point he walked away fuming because I refused to agree that humans shouldnt have to tell themselves not to do things. He thinks because he read the fucking zodiac books and understands all about stars and planets and shit that this makes him more "in-touch" with himself. Hes gonna end up one of those people you see on CNN that ate poisoned pudding with their cult and all layed down in bunk beds wearing matching Nike shocks as they all commit suicide so they can wait for the space ship to come and go to jupiter. (do u guys remember that...I think it was the "heavens gate" cult or something like that) but thats how hes going to end up. He refuses to accept peoples flaws or shortcomings and thinks he is perfect and if anything THAT is one of the biggest flaws a person can have. I think he is crazy I think he is messed up and insecure and excuses his insecurities with "well this is who I am, and since I know that its ok" but anyone who disagrees with his babbles is wrong and stupid and "dont know themselves". What I do know is that a person who constantly has to remind himself who he is and then tells who he is to other people is probably the most un-sure of us all.

...and to think this all started by me saying "dont add 'izzle' to one syllable words"

People are weird man. People are weirdddddddddddd.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Monday, April 18th, 2005
10:39 pm
Have a safe trio to london Drea! I love you lots and hope you eat a lot of yummy crumpets (dont know how to spell) and make a palace guard laugh. Take lots of pics, go to scotland and buy me a kilt, and most of all have fun!*%)!@(
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